Comparing the Democratic Presidential Candidates to WWE Personalities
As we are only one year away from the next presidential election, a lot still needs to be determined. Which candidate will get the rocket strapped to their back? Who is going to ‘get over’ organically in spite of what mainstream media want? Who will be buried? Will anyone get a mid-campaign repackaging?
If that terminology confuses you, that’s pro wrestling lingo. Sometimes to see what the future holds you need to compare a political campaign to an alarmingly similar, predetermined genre.
Back in 2016 I compared each Republican candidate to a WWE superstar. Well, we definitely have our main roster so it’s time to assign each Democratic candidate to its wrestling doppelganger, and perhaps future running mate.
Please note that I did consult with someone in the political know as well as allow a few words from my ‘Never-Trump’ Republican dad. Now let’s get a ref out here and meet your B+ players!
JOE BIDEN is ERIC BISCHOFF
My first image of Joe Biden is inappropriately rubbing a woman’s shoulders so, obviously, I could have compared him to the Attitude Era’s Val Venis, but the comparison would end there.
Like Biden, Bischoff has been around for a long time in very prominent roles. Biden was a Vice President and Bischoff actually had a higher ceiling of success when, as the head of WCW, he beat WWE in the ratings for over a year during the Monday Night Wars. The Democrats are hoping a return to Biden would create a spark much like when WWE made Bischoff an Executive Director of Smackdown earlier this year. Unfortunately, after a matter of months, WWE replaced Bischoff with another long-time wrestling expert Bruce Prichard. Will Biden meet the same fate in 2020?
My Dad Says: “I like him a lot.”
KAMALA HARRIS is NIA JAX
While Saturday Night Live may call Harris a ‘funt’ (fun aunt), in reality, she is a beast, much like Nia Jax. Both Kamala and Nia are ‘not like most girls.’ They can be savage and love to assault their competitors. When Nia Jax was coming up the ranks she would smile and then squash any competitor that got in her way. Kamala cuts to the chase and sometimes avoids debating her fellow Democrats, instead going straight to Trump and his Twitter account. Don’t expect a nice Nia when she returns from injury. Both these ladies mean business.
My Dad Says: “Would be a good attorney general.”
PETE BUTTIGIEG is DRAKE MAVERICK
Pete and Drake, who while both young-looking and diminutive, are actually quite versatile. The South Bend mayor is well-educated, a veteran and fluent in seven languages. Since leaving his TNA Rockstar Spud persona behind, so far at WWE, Drake has been the general manager of 205 Live, the manager of Authors of Pain and a multi-time 24/7 Champion (who also strives to consummate his marriage). Not much was expected from both these personalities, but they have made the most of their opportunity and shown their potential.
My Dad Says: “He’s alright; too young.”
CORY BOOKER is BOOKER T
Can you dig this, suckaaa!?
This pairing could not have been more copacetic, both in name and attitude. Both these Bookers are showmen. Cory can throw down a great political speech with the best of them, and Booker T can also command an audience whether it’s as a 5-time WCW champ or King Bookah!! Their streams also crossed during one of the early debates when Joe Biden was trying to make a point to which Cory Booker gave Biden a Booker T-esque look of “Tell me you did not just say that” and, lo and behold, Biden steps into a flavor of Kool-Aid he is not familiar with. Cory sometimes falls into the trap of trying to moderate his fellow candidates rather than push through so people know what it is he stands for. He should be primed to rise to the head of the field, but just like at Wrestlemania, the establishment of Triple H thwarted Booker T’s coming out party.
And, of course, let’s not forget the prominent women behind the men: Booker T has Queen Sharmell while Cory Booker is currently dating actress Rosario Dawson. All hail these Bookers!
My Dad Says: He’s a showman.
BERNIE SANDERS is BROCK LESNAR & PAUL HEYMAN
Both Sanders and Lesnar/Heyman are mainstays in their arenas and four years ago they were each an unstoppable movement, but each was derailed for different reasons. Sanders had the nomination swiped away from him so that Hillary Clinton could benefit. Lesnar lost his Universal Championship many times over so that Roman Reigns and later Seth Rollins could benefit. There are still fierce, but a slightly diluted version of their earlier selves, which might be inaccurate because Lesnar’s recent work has been fabulous.
Can they both climb the mountain again? Lesnar already has by squashing Kofi Kingston for the WWE title on Friday Night Smackdown. Can Bernie whittle his way through the field again? The comparison also includes Heyman because if you cross either one and irritate them with nonsense they will pull themselves up by their Jewish bootstraps and unleash a tirade that you will regret provoking, and that’s not a prediction, that’s a spoiler!
My Dad Says: “Can’t take him. [He’s] so far to the left he’s off a cliff.”
#AdEvan
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ELIZABETH WARREN is STEPHANIE MCMAHON
Warren appears to be is at the top of the Democratic totem pole (metaphor intended) when it comes to who will be the chosen one. McMahon is already a McMahon: she is the chosen one of professional wrestling (notwithstanding Drew McIntyre).
Both women are extremely progressive and look to continue to make radical changes to the status quo that will benefit many at the result of some philosophical inconsistencies. Warren’s mission is extremely left with a lot of everything ‘free.’ She wants free college, cancelled student debt, Medicare for All with no private insurance. A lot of the progressive things McMahon has done, or has at least taken credit for, is resurrecting women’s wrestling with the Women’s Revolution/Evolution that was borne out of the #GiveDivasAChance movement. There have also been all-women tournaments, pay-per-view events, and first-time-ever women’s matches in Abu Dhabi and Saudi Arabia. Both women have an extreme amount of momentum.
My Dad Says: “She oughta join Bernie (on the other side of the cliff). [She’s] a lot like Trump – a plan for this and that.”
JULIAN CASTRO is BARON CORBIN
Castro comes to the race as the former HUD Secretary. Corbin is ridiculed for coming to Raw and Smackdown looking like the former manager of an Applebee’s. Both men come off a little smug and out to prove others wrong. Castro wants to promote that he is the ‘antithesis of Donald Trump’ and Corbin masterfully comes off as the anti-thesis of anything likable. They have both settled into their roles, but Corbin is growing more prominent as King Corbin while Castro spites America’s king by escorting vulnerable asylum seekers from Mexico into Texas.
My Dad Says: No opinion.
AMY KLOBUCHAR is (Old) BAYLEY
While Bayley recently turned to the dark side, Klobuchar inquired about Brett Cavanaugh’s alcoholic darkside. Regardless, as they are mainly known, both women have that Midwest appeal. Klobuchar is a moderate and a fighter. Bayley is the only WWE women’s Grand Slam champion (Raw / Smackdown / NXT / Tag-Team) and a hugger. Klobuchar and the old Bayley are virtually clones, but then the new Bayley would simply strike both of them down. Perhaps if Klobuchar turned heel she could reach a new level that Bayley is currently enjoying as Smackdown Champion.
My Dad Says: “I like her. She’s like a female Biden.”
TULSI GABBARD is LACEY EVANS
Perhaps these are hidden, underappreciated crown jewels of their endeavors. Both women are veterans as Gabbard has served in the National Guard and continues to go on training missions during her campaign. Evans is a veteran of the Marine Corps. Both made their biggest impingement by going after their respective ‘big fish.’ Lacey Evans went straight to Becky Lynch when she debuted on Raw and Tulsi trended on Twitter while retorting back at Hillary Clinton for being accused of being a Russian asset. Both have the rare ability to straddle both sides of the aisle as Evans can use her military experience to instantly get the crowd on her side and Gabbard is not afraid to communicate with accused enemies by appearing on Tucker Carlson. One final reason for the comparison is that both women have made headlines for trips overseas. Gabbard is criticized for visiting the Syrian President, while for more monumental reasons, Evans just participated in the first ever WWE women’s match in Saudi Arabia.
My Dad Says: “An albatross. A problem with head of Syria. “
#AdEvan
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MARIANNE WILLIAMSON is BRAY WYATT
Williamson and Wyatt are rare breeds and both have extremely tailor-made viewpoints. Williamson, a self-help author, has challenged some fixed beliefs of Washington including the political zeitgeist, a blind faith to Big Pharma and mandatory vaccinations, but lacks Wyatt’s resolve as she has cowered a few times into backtracking.
When Wyatt first debuted as a Bayou-based cult leader, he would spout esoteric monologues that would initially sound like psychotic ramblings, but the more you listen to Williamson and Wyatt the more they can make sense. Williamson is struggling to break through and make the debate stage, but perhaps a repackaging similar to Wyatt’s Fiend character would benefit her, as Wyatt is now the Universal Champion and a well-layered personality. You can also assign a touch of Trish Stratus to Williamson as the WWE hall of famer has a similar spiritual and yoga background.
My Dad Says: “She’s off the wall.”
ANDREW YANG is “THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN” TED DIBIASE
The Million Dollar Man gimmick and the $1000/month proposal clearly highlight that, to Yang and Dibiase, it’s all about the money. Dibiase frequently claimed everybody has a price whether it was making someone dribble a basketball or rub the sweat off his body for $100. Yang just hopes his $1000/month trickle-up economics will buy him some votes. Dibiase’s signature is his laugh while for Yang it’s the fact he refers to his followers as the “Yang Gang.” Check please.
My Dad Says: “[He] doesn’t make much sense.”
CANDIDATE QUICK HITS (We Barely Know Thee)
MICHAEL BENNET is SAMI ZAYN
This senator from Colorado is out to end the toxicity in partisan politics. When Sami Zayn returned from injury, rather than just being over-the-top annoying, he made it a point to turn the finger on the audience and point out all the toxicity on social media from the always-critical WWE Universe. Both men may realize it’s extremely hard to castigate people you regularly interact with when you’re trying to convince those same people you frequently interact with. Not sure how much longer Bennet can endure, but right now Zayn is playing mouthpiece for Shinske Nakamura.
My Dad Says: “A good guy, small following.”
JOHN DELANEY is DREW GULAK
At least we can always say Delaney is Mr. Mackey from South Park. But like Delaney, Gulak has workable ideas (via his Powerpoint presentations), which basically state that everyone else is wrong. And prior to his PPT slides, Gulak was a political persona on 205 Live.
My Dad Says: “Not very important. Not much of a following.”
STEVE BULLOCK is KEVIN OWENS
Bullock and Owens are impressive figures from Montana and Canada, respectively. The connection is a little light, but Owens could pass for someone from Montana. Bullock supports gun reform while Owens supports ‘stun’ reform (i.e. the Stone Cold Stunner). See what I did there? Unsure if Bullock can break through, but perhaps he can go straight to attacking Biden like Owens went straight to John Cena.
My Dad Says: [nothing]
#AdEvan
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CANDIDATE QUICK HITS – We Barely Knew Thee
BETO O’ROURKE is TOM PHILLIPS
Beto’s surprise withdrawal will make most of this moot, but he and Philips both play the role of straightedge white men. But let’s go further: people have even accused Beto as being ‘White Obama’ i.e. an inspiring, slow talker. Philips also has that mild, milquetoast onscreen demeanor that allows him to contrast his frenetic fellow commentators such as Corey Graves and Byron Saxton. Beto had a plan to re-possess all guns everywhere, while Philips would just like to re-possess a commentary spot on WWE programming.
My Dad Says: “Not really. Too young & inexperienced.”
JAY INSLEE Is DANIEL BRYAN
Inslee’s sole issue was climate change. A limited platform led to a limited return, but at least he seamlessly corresponds to Daniel Bryan who was known as “The Planet’s Champion” as he lectures the audience about sustainability and even abandoned the traditional leather WWE title for one made of hemp.
My Dad Said: “He would be all right. Only one issue.”
BILL DE BLASIO is R-TRUTH
New York City Mayor de Blasio was running for workers’ rights, but according to many he was the village idiot, much like R-Truth. Unfortunately, de Blasio has to withdraw to return his title as “worst mayor ever” while Truth, whose ridiculous irrationality and one-liners, complement his achievements as a 20-time 24/7 Champion. But then again, like de Blasio, this title can be viewed as a joke title for lesser Superstars.
My Dad Said: “A horse’s ass. Had no business running.”
And What If…
HILLARY CLINTON is LINDA MCMAHON
What if all was going fine and then out of nowhere some “I’m With Her” theme music goes off and out comes a leviathan from past. Only Hillary Clinton could feel the itch and then change the game. Only a McMahon could eschew protocol and hit a reset on everything.
Both are not entirely invincible as Clinton came up short for the nomination in 2008 and the win in 2016, and McMahon has twice failed in a run for Congress. However, their name value and experiences can shake any predestined arrangement. Clinton is a former Secretary of State and has just wrapped a new book while McMahon recently served in Trump’s cabinet as the head of Small Business Administration. These are titans.
AND WAIT, that’s Michael Bloomberg’s music!
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG is VINCE MCMAHON
Who says billionaires can’t just swoop in and change their landscapes. Back in the 80s, McMahon said to heck with territories and decided to just buy up all the talent from the early territory days and do things his way. Bloomberg, who is registering for the Alabama primary, is saying enough to the Democratic field eating each other and is swooping in to say, “If you are going to eat each other, you cannot accompany this feast with an extra-large soft drink.” Vince was Trump four years ago and we learned you should never bet against a McMahon. Will Bloomberg follow suit?
Evan Wecksell is a guitar-playing comedian, writer and host of the podcast “Socially Awkward with Evan Wecksell.” He has appeared on Conan, The Goldbergs, Glee and WWE Network. Follow him @evanwecksell on Twitter and Instagram.
All photos courtesy of Wikipedia Commons.
